My grandpa was the best man I ever knew. I miss him daily but on days like today it seems worse. He always knew the right advice to give or when to say something funny to make me laugh. He knew what to say to make me feel better or when to simply hug me and say nothing at all.
It seems like the past couple of day's have been nothing but fighting. With Brian, between Brian and his sister, and with me and myself.
Brian and his sisters fight is hard on me because I want them to just talk it out and make everything okay. I know what its like not having you sibling anymore. And I know that when you mad at them it seems like the best idea ever but as the days go on it hurts more and more but you just don't want to show it becuase you feel like there's nothing to do about it. I tried explaining this to Brian but talk about it makes me cry because it makes me remember I don't have my brother around and it's hard.
My fighting with myself is nothing new. I hate myself most days. I think its because I am bi-polar and suffer from depression. Neither of which can be confirmed by a doctor because I cant afford to go get the evaluations or buy the medicine. So it's just something I have to learn to deal with.
My fights with Brian make me so dam mad! We fight over stupid shit but it seems to not get any better. I feel like I have to censer everything I say because if I don't and just speak how I feel its only going to make it worse.
I just wish I had my grandpa here to tell me what to do. He always helped me find my way and always lead me back to my belief in God. But anymore with EVERYTHING that has happened this past year I have troubles finding my belief. I mean I there is one, I know he loves me. But anymore it seems like he isn't this great God who wants the best from his children. He seems down right mean! I guess I just need my grandpa's help and I can't find it anywhere else
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