Sorry.

Sorry seems to be a hard concept for some people.  If you are wrong admit it and say sorry.  There is no need to fight and fight when you know you are wrong.  Everyone is wrong from time to time.  It's human nature.

I will admit I am wrong.  I have done things I am NOT proud of.  I trusted people I never should have. Last night was proof of that.  But instead of trying to act like I am so smart and better then anyone I will admit it.  I fucked up.  And to those who where hurt by me, I am SORRY!

I should have learned. You would think by now I would.  But no.  My advice, never second guess yourself.  If you think someone is lying to you, there is probably a good reason.  Not everyone is trustworthy.  Nothing about that.

What makes me mad is when someone is CLEARLY wrong.  They are CLEARLY to blame but they wont accept it.  They must attack others and blame them.  You are 24+ Years old.  Act it already.  If you are wrong just say so.  Suck it up and move on.  It's not that hard to do.  I just did.

I hate being wrong about people.  I hate admitting when I am wrong.  But sometimes it is just the right thing to do.  Believe I will never trust either of you again.  And this time....I will not "miss you".  BUT when you are needing someone to defend you, YOU will miss ME.

Oh wells.  I hope those I have wronged can forgive.  I know most of them just think I am being I am trying to start drama.  But after what happened I would rather be done with it all.

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Anything. Nothing is offtopic. Always honest http://www.formspring.me/christina3240

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Anything. Nothing is offtopic. Always honest http://www.formspring.me/christina3240

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Anything. Nothing is offtopic. Always honest http://www.formspring.me/christina3240

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Anything. Nothing is offtopic. Always honest http://www.formspring.me/christina3240

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Anything. Nothing is offtopic. Always honest http://www.formspring.me/christina3240

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NOH8

NOH8 Campaign is a silent protest photo project against California Proposition 8.

Many have made NOH8 about more tho. A lot of people have moved it from gay/lesbian to all around hate. I am a support of NOH8 on both levels. I think everyone should have the right to marry who ever they choice. And I am against bullies and hate more then most know.

Saying this, I am not saying I am perfect. Everyone has flaws. My major one is when I get mad I can't control what I say. Have I on occasion hated? Of course. If someone has said, "I have never hated on anyone", well they would be lying. Everyone makes mistakes. But that is being human.

Does it make it ok? NO. No one should ever think hate is ok. Not even if they do it first. But you can not expect ANYONE to NEVER hate. It's just not possible. In my eyes, you should do your best to not hate. And when you make a mistake, be the bigger person and say sorry. Even if they don't accept it.

Hate is like a virus. Its spreads so quickly. Sometime you don't even realize how bad it truly is until you take a step back and look at the situation as a whole. That's the problem. People get so obsessed with who is doing wrong. Who has done more wrong. Just waiting for someone to make a bigger mistake. No one is ever innocent. No matter how much they try to claim to be.

Some claim to not know why I am pro NOH8. Well simply put, I had a gay brother. He died before I got the chance to meet him. Long story, idk I might have blogged about it before. And I grew up the fat girl in a class of 25. So I had lots of bullies.

It doesnt bother me much anymore because of something that happened years ago. But some days things get to me. And I break. It's bound to happen to everyone every now an again. Today was that day for me. I am not proud of it. But you can only hold it in for so long.

Summary-

Do your best not to hate. It's evil. (Warning going religious on you) It's what the devil wants. So try to think before you act. I know it wont work every time just put in the effort.

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Busy Kind of Life

Oh good gravy. It has been some busy times.  Air-go why I haven't blogged much. But For once I have some down time so i figured I should update everyone.

Brian's birthday is Tuesday so this weekend will be a busy one. We are having his family dinner Sunday followed by bon-fire. WOOT WOOT! I <3 bon-fires. They are easily the best part of Fall.

Saturday we have to work at Brian's sisters OLD house. Cleaning it up, getting it ready for winter.  Not so excited about that. Other then the fact that we get to have a fire! I may be a LITTLE bit of a pryo. But it's totally under control. I DO NOT HAVE A PROBLEM!

For once things are going good in my life. I have some amazing people in my life that just make each day better then the one before. It feels good to finally be happy.

Some of you may or may not know I have been having some serious pain in my low back.  I went to Benton ER and they told me it was serve arthritis in my hip and some kind of S nerve pain.  They didnt do a whole lot to help it but what do you expect from them. Anyway I finally got some medicine that will hopefully help.

Well I need to go clean and get ready for Sunday. I will try to update this more. promise

<3 Christina

P.S. I thought dogs were suppose to shed in the Summer and keep their hair in the winter. MY DOGS ARE SHEDDING LIKE CRAZY!!!! HELP!!! lol Bye!! <3 <3

Lazy mooch

So something has been bothering me. Usually I can let opinions of others slide. But this one for some reason has been bothering me like crazy.

So I have been told I was a lazy mooch because I live with Brian and don't have a job. Excuse me but I do the laundry, cook, clean, and take Brian to work everyday. I take care of the dogs like they are our children. Yet I am a mooch because I dont have a job.

Oh, and there is no such thing as a house wife. Okay. If you say so. Im sorry but she does just as much being a house wife, lazy mooch, then most people do working 7 days a week. You can not say yes or no because you don't know her daily struggle. You have no idea what she does.

I'm sorry but there is to many judgement people out there in this world. Just because you have a child doesnt mean you are better. Or you aren't a mooch. Sorry but you have a child. Many people do and they still work. So maybe you should take a look in the mirrior before you start calling people names.

*breathe in*  *breathe out* I feel so much better now. I just had to say that. But now I ask. What does everyone think? Agree or disagree?

Christina<3

Busy Bee

I need a break lol. My life has been nothing but craziness. Its fun don't get me wrong but I could use a break :)

Thing's with Brian are better than ever. I am keeping more than busy with edits. Thanks to my amazing editing page. And I finally have some friends I feel like I can tell anything too.

I am more than excited for my birthday which is in 1 week and 1 day :) I will no longer be a teen :( But I have a lot of new things planned to go with my new life(well older life lol)

I know its only one year older bit the fact that its from teen to twenty makes it seem like its a HUGE difference to me. I know I am weird lol. I just can't help it.

I just realized im typing a lot of little paragraphs lol. Probably because I am tried and just wanna sleep. I don't want to elaborate to much lmao.

Well I wish you all the best. Hope your life is as well as mine. Peace of mind to you all. Remember it could always be worse :)
-Christina<3

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Unneeded stress

Is there really such a thing as needed stress? I mean I have never been like, "MAN! I need some stress right about now." But I can't count the number of times i have said, "THIS IS UNNEEDED STRESS!!"

I love how someone can sit there and say, "I love you. I  would never do that to you." But then turn around and do it. Seems like no one now-a-days can be trusted I mean you let someone in and they just find a way to fuck you over. Seems like person after person has done nothing but disappoint me here lately.

Idk i think im just done. Why care about people when they don't care about them-self? Why care if they don't care back?? Seems pointless if you ask me. People let you down. No matter who they are or what they say. That wont ever change.

-Christina <3

This is a rant! SORRY!

But people piss me off! I'm sorry don't come to me asking me to feel bad for YOU when YOU do it to YOURSELF! It just makes you look stupid!

I'm sorry but If you cheat on your spouse....husband or boyfriend....they have a right to look thru you phone to make sure your not cheating again. ESPECIALLY if you have cheated multiple times. And if you are married then he, or she, has a right to leave your ass. And you have NO RIGHT to tell them they are wrong in leaving or trash talk them!

Im sorry but to me cheaters are right down there with murders and pedophiles on my list of worse people in the world. You might not agree with me but that's my opinion. And my opinion is always right :) lol. Just kidding.

What U don't understand is how someone can say they love someone and then cheat on them. MANY TIMES! I'm sorry but if you love someone you don't get "butterfly's" from anyone else. You don't ask if they will sleep with you. You only think about the one person you love. And if you think it is ok to think of others while saying "I Love You" to someone else then I feel HORRIBLE for the person that believes you love them.

Just so everyone knows this has nothing to do with me and Brian...I know someone will say it does and start rumors....BUT IT DOES NOT HAVE TO DO WITH US!
Christina <3

Women who treat men bad...

....make me so mad!! And some guys just deal with it. I don't see how. I mean I know you love the girl and all but have some balls and don't be her personal door mat.

Like I seen a guy in the store the other day. OMG I wanted to slap the woman he was with. She told him to get her this particular thing, which he did, then freaked out because it was taking him to long he. She just knew he was talking to other girls.

I have known many guys who have girlfriends or wives who no matter what they do they can't do it right. EXAMPLES--
1.  "Go get me this"  "Okay" *brings it to them* "NO! I MEANT THIS!" "You didn't say that. You said this."  "Well I didn't mean that I meant this but I will deal!"
2.  "If you are talking to other girls you are cheating on me. BUT I can talk to other guys."  "How is that fair"  "Because guy's can't just be friends but girls can."

I just dont know how a guy can deal with it. If it was a girl everyone would expect the girl to leave the guy. But because he is a guy he is expected to stay. Can someone tell me how this makes sence.

To me it doesn't matter the sex. If you are in bad relationship GET OUT! Females can be just as abusive as males. And it seems like a lot of people don't see that. I just hate seening people being mistreated.

I think the reason women doing the mistreating makes me so mad is because most of the  time the women who are treating the guy wrong say things like "he is the worse", "can you believe him", "do you see what I have to deal with?"

And god forbid the guy stand up for himself every now and then. Then he is such a bad guy who doesn't care about him. Well bitch did you ever think how you treat him?? Did you ever think that maybe you pushed him to his breaking point? I sure as hell don't see how you couldn't have!

But no they are always inncoent and the guy is always the bad one...

Sorry guys! Just had this building up for awhile now :/
-Christina<3

LIFE SUCKS!

It's hard for me to watch shows or read about people who have trouble having babies. And how they try thing after thing and it never works. I mean I know sometimes the pills or shots work but not always.

This is hard for me because there is nothing I want more in life than to be married and have children. But like these women I know it wont be easy for me.

The doctor I had at the age of 13 told me I need to go on birth control because it would help with my periods. I had the worst cramps with mine. And they were suppose to help regulate me too. Well the cramps got better but i never have been regular.

Said lovely doctor put me on YAZ. Not knowing anything and believe my doctor was smart and knew what she was doing I didn't do any reach on the pills and took them religiously for about 4 years.

As odd as it seems about 3 year into my birth control taking my doctor ups and decides one day she can't be a doctor no more and quit. I start seeing a new doctor about a year later. When telling her I had been on YAZ for almost 4 years she gave me this look. Asked me how old I was and when I said almost 17 she walked out of the room and didn't return for a good 10 min.

When she finally returned she said she isn't sure why my old doctor put me on YAZ so young and left me on it for so long. And then proceed to tell me that I will have difficulty getting pregnant and there is a chance I wont even be able to. That when i decide I want to become pregnant I will have to have some test run and if there is a chance I will more than likely have to have fertility treatments.

That was some of the worse news I had ever received. So I feel so bad when I see people who deserve to have children and can't because I know some day that might be me. I might be the one who is broke down and crying because I will never have a child. And I get pissed when I seen all these druggies having babies and people who have babies just to live off the government. They don't deserve the children they are blessed with. Most see them as something that holds them back or as burdens. Yet I know people who would LOVE to have a child but can't. It just doesn't seem right to me.
-Christina <3

Oh Happy Days!

Things seem to be turning around for us. Finally! Thank goodness.

As some of you know me and my fiance are getting a new car. We are picking it up tomorrow. I finally have the time I can get caught up on the house. Yes it is HORRIBLE! But I have been too stressed to deal with it.

I've been so stressed lately. Worrying about other's people problems just takes a lot out of someone. So I've turned a new leaf and am souly focusing on Me and Brian.

So lots more energy and lots less stress. Which would be nice. So we can stop having these little fights. And get back to the way things were.

On a totally different note. I am thinking about doing some online college...looking into what type of degrees I can get online. I do better when its a do it on my own time thing. I'm not good at waking up at this time and being here that that time til then then doing it again the next day. Idk but it is a thought I have had for awhile.
-Christina <3

Family??? YEAH RIGHT!

Anymore I don't think there is a such thing. I have friends Ive never met, just talked to on the computer, that are more of a family to me then my own flesh and blood. Its sad if you think about it.

I mean I don't really talk to my dad anymore. I can talk to my mom when she isn't drunk. I had one brother die before I could meet him. And another "brother", I wouldn't call him that, chooses to be an ass to me, and my mom, for no good reason.

I'm sure to him it's a wonderful reason but I have asked MANY times and he has NEVER gave me one reason for him to be an ass to me! His reason for mom was that she "chose Gary of me", his words. But the fact is, when he left my mom had just filed bankruptcy and couldn't afford to leave. But apparently that isn't good enough for him.

But I have just decide that as far as I am concered I had one brother and he died years ago. If you treat someone like this it is clear they are not family anymore. And there fore why should I care? Why should I put myself through the stress of trying to please you? I SHOULDN'T! And WONT anymore! :)

Man it feels good to say that :)
-Christina<3

Possitive day

Ive decided that I have to much negativity in my life. A lot of things have happened that makes me feel negative. And today i decided to change that.


I worry to much about other people. I don't want to see them make mistakes I know they will regret and I stress when I see them make them. But recent events have showed me worrying about others life will not help me. They will not listen and make the mistake no matter what I say. So why bother.

That's not to say I wont worry when its something serious or that I wont be there when they need me.I just wont go out of my way to be their. I wont try to tell them what I think is right. I wont check on them.

And mostly I wont try to involve them in activities I do. Because when they make mistakes or dont take my advice it just pissses me off. It makes me more stressed then I need. And with my High Blood Pressure I don't need the added stress.

I'm just amazed at how selfish some people can be. When you show them that you care they push you away. It seems like a lot of people do that.

I can see it now people will read this and be like "Oh she is talking about me." or "She is talking about so and so." Let me tell you this. This is not directed at one person. It is pointed to a group.  A GENERAL group. But if you think it is meant for you then there is prob a reason why. Just saying....
-Christina <3

Its been awhile...

I know i'm sorry...but a busy life means i dont blog much lol. It will be slowing down now that its 100 degrees outside EVERYDAY!!!

I hate how everything goes wrong at the same time. My house NEED to be roofed so we spend $800 on that, my car breaks down we spend $700 on that, THEN it breaks down again. So instead of putting more money into we are just buying a new one. But since we are so picky it's not easy :/

I my have told you all before but me and my father no longer speak. Well not regularly anyway. I do miss it now more than every tho. I can call him when I have a question about cars or something like that but with my great grandma in the nursing home and my aunt being a bitch I need someone to talk to about it. Brian is there but he trys to solve the problem. He can just let me bitch. And sometimes all you need is to bitch ya know.

My brother and his wife and child came home this past week. THANKFULLY I never seen them. Although I would have loved to tell them a thing or too lol. I hate people who are douche bags for no reason.

On a good note, I went and played BINGO Wednesday and WON $100 :) I was completely shocked. I never win lol

Well I guess I bitched enough for one blog lol. Hopfully I can do this everyday so you dont have so much bitching :)
-Christina <3

Some people piss me off!

I understand its the 4th of July weekend. But is it necessary to set fireworks off every night?  If it is, is it necessary that you set them off in the middle of the road and not in the lots RIGHT next to your house that YOU own?

I understand people like to have fun.  Im all for that but when you fireworks start hitting my house I am going to get pissed!  Once is ok but once a night?!? NOPE! It's not that hard of a problem to fix. So try and use your brain, which from the looks of you is an unheard of thought, and STOP HITTING MY HOUSE!

And on that night i say goodnight. Idk if i will post tomorrow or Monday.  When Brian gets off tomorrow we are going to Boomland then staying the night at Brian's sister then Monday we are celebrating the 4th :).

So have a safe weekend everyone! NO DRINKING AND DRIVEING!!! Car, boat, 4-wheeler, or anything!!! See you when I see you!!

It's to dam hot!

I hate when it gets hot like this outside.  Our yard needs mowed but if Brian does it before work he will be too tired to go to work and if i do it i will pass out.  Every since I stopped taking my blood pressure pills regularly I can get too hot.  And I tend to over heat easily.

Before someone messages me yelling at me for not talking my BP pills let me tell you why.  I can not get medical unless I am pregnant or have a serious medical problem.  I guess BP with family history of heart disease and cancer isn't serious enough.  But I still have like 30 BP pills. I take them only when I NEED them because I can't afford to buy them monthly.  I have looked into getting a cheaper kind but it isn't cheap enough (in my opinion).

I just have to say I think it's pretty shitty that since I don't want to have a child until I can provide for it they refuse me medical.  You would think they would want to award those who are smart but have medical issues not the one who wants to just see how much they can get out of the government.  Just my personal opinion. -Christina

Gerald

My dad has a son with his first wife named Gerald.  He was considerably older then me.  I say was because he died back in 2001....I think.  He was 35 i was 10.  I never got to meet Gerald.  He was gay and my dad didnt approve.

I do not blame my dad for us not meeting.  I did in the beginning but then I found something out.  When I was born my dad called to let him know he had a little sister.  But told him that if he came to see me his boyfriend wasn't allowed to come.  It makes my dad sick.  He is old school and couldn't believe his son ended up gay.

But i was alive for 10 years and he never sent me a single card never tried to call me or see me.  I just wish I could have meet him.  It sucks knowing I had a brother out there and never got to meet him before he died (by a heart attack btw).   I don't know what I wanted to accomplish by blogging this. I just wanted to say it i guess.  -Christina

On day's like today I miss my grandpa

My grandpa was the best man I ever knew. I miss him daily but on days like today it seems worse. He always knew the right advice to give or when to say something funny to make me laugh.  He knew what to say to make me feel better or when to simply hug me and say nothing at all.

It seems like the past couple of day's have been nothing but fighting. With Brian, between Brian and his sister, and with me and myself.

Brian and his sisters fight is hard on me because I want them to just talk it out and make everything okay.  I know what its like not having you sibling anymore.  And I know that when you mad at them it seems like the best idea ever but as the days go on it hurts more and more but you just don't want to show it becuase you feel like there's nothing to do about it.  I tried explaining this to Brian but talk about it makes me cry because it makes me remember I don't have my brother around and it's hard.

My fighting with myself is nothing new.  I hate myself most days.  I think its because I am bi-polar and suffer from depression.  Neither of which can be confirmed by a doctor because I cant afford to go get the evaluations or buy the medicine.  So it's just something I have to learn to deal with.

My fights with Brian make me so dam mad!  We fight over stupid shit but it seems to not get any better.  I feel like I have to censer everything I say because if I don't and just speak how I feel its only going to make it worse.

I just wish I had my grandpa here to tell me what to do.  He always helped me find my way and always lead me back to my belief in God.  But anymore with EVERYTHING that has happened this past year I have troubles finding my belief.  I mean I there is one, I know he loves me. But anymore it seems like he isn't this great God who wants the best from his children.  He seems down right mean!  I guess I just need my grandpa's help and I can't find it anywhere else

This is going to sound like a rant.....

....because it is lol. I know a lot of people are in abusive relationships. And I know that they say they have troubles getting out of it because they love the person or they are afraid of what they may do. And I TOTALLY understand that (please dont comment explaining how i am a bad person for that I am about to say).

This is MY view on the matter.  When it comes to abusive relationships most the time you only hear of the two people affected by it.  But the truth is there is MANY more people affected by the relationship.  I have a best friend who is in a abusive relationship. Also my fiance's sister is in one.  And what a lot of people fail to realize is the relationship affects all of the mothers, fathers, brothers, sister, and friends of the two people involved.  One because a loved one is being harmed....one way or another. And the other side because their loved on will be either arrest for abuse, put in jail for murder, or in some rare cases killed by the person they abuse...which hurts the first mentioned family also.


I think a lot of people don't realize that it hurts those who love them.  I know the two people I mention in abusive relationships don't realize it.  And when you tell them it does they don't believe you.  And if you try to help them stay away from the abuser they say you are running/ruining their life.


I believe if someone I loved came up to me and said "Hey! Brian is no good for you. He hurts you and seeing you hurt, hurts me. I am afraid you will end up in the hospital or even worse. DEAD." I would listen.  Take a good hard look at my relationship and see if I could see what they see.  Not just freak out and tell them to leave my house and never return.

This is just my opinion.  I needed to say what is on my mind because of the events that have happened the past couple of days. I didn't mean to offend anyone and if I did I am sorry -Christina

New to this

For awhile I have wanted to post blogs but never could find a site that would allow me to.  I guess i should give you a little info on me.  My name is Christian Toler and I am 19 years old. I live in good old Illinois....SOUTHERN Illinois...I do not like Chicago and hate when people say that's where I live.  i come from a very messed up family although if you looked at it, it wouldn't seem so. My mom and dad both had sons before they got together and had me. My dad is like 13 years older then my mom. My dad's son died at the age of 35 from a heart attack.  He was gay and I never met him :( . My mom's son I grew up with.  But I no longer claim him as a brother (will explain about both brothers in a later blog). My dad is an alcoholic and my mom is turning into one quickly.  I live with my fiance.  We own our own house and car.  So you could day we are doing well. :)  As you will learn I have been tho a lot in my short 19 years on this Earth. That is all for now.  Hopefully you are intrigued enough to come back and read future blogs lol -Christina